Friday, 2 March 2018

Eating Disorder Awareness Week - MY STORY

Eating Disorder, the name is so much bigger than it looks. When people hear those words you typically think Anorexia or Bulimia but there is so much more to it than that, and it certainly isn't always 'skinny' people who suffer with them, all types of people who are all different shapes and sizes can be affected.

This week between February 26th - 4th March is Eating Disorder Awareness week, it is something I have been through personally and that I am passionate about sharing.

BEAT are an incredible charity in the UK who help thousands of people to finally defeat the hold that an eating disorder has over them, they are the most understanding, non-judgement team that will get you the best help and support available.
They also have the 'Sock It To Eating Disorders' Campaign. be sure to check it out, take a picture of yourself where you favourite socks and post on social media to help spread awareness.

WHY WAIT? Talk to someone now, don't go through it alone.


It's very hard to know where to start when writing a post like this, as it's so personal, and you need to know in yourself that you're ready to share it with the world.

When I was 12, my parents split up on boxing day a few weeks later I suffered a traumatic event in my life which is how my eating disorder was born. I felt like it was the only thing I had full control over in my life and it became an obsession, I would stuff my face and then I would be sick.

I started to isolate myself from people so that they didn't figure out what I was doing, my whole life became a huge secret and I was also dealing with the events of something traumatic that had happened to me, alone. After around 6 months, I confided in my best friend at the time, and told her what I had being doing, I wasn't aware that what i was doing had a name, it was just something that became normal to me until she told me I had Bulimia. She was incredibly supportive and convinced me to tell my family, so with her help I confided in my brother who told my mum.

My mum was amazing through the process, but was unaware of the trigger so I said it was down to school pressures and being bullied, which wasn't totally untrue, I had been bullied all my life through-out school but I used that to sugarcoat the main reason.
On the year anniversary, I told her what happened and she began to make sense of everything.
Mum started monitoring me when I would have food and when I went to the bathroom to make sure I wasn't throwing up, I hated it because I felt like my control was sliding so I stopped being sick and Anorexia took over. It was very easy to pretend like I was eating when in reality I wasn't, calorie counting also became another type of control. I would research which food had the lowest amount of calories and ask to eat that for my meals, then I would eat the minimal amount. At my lowest point I was eating a cracker a day and was weighing under 6 stone. I left school because I couldn't deal with the anxiety of being around people, I would have panic attacks daily and hated leaving the house.

When I hit 16 I started going out a bit more, but that's when I turned to drink and drugs, it's not something that I want to go into deeply but it was another way of coping with what had happened to me, I was also in a really toxic relationship which didn't help this continued until I was 19 and then I finally realised what I was doing to myself and it just wasn't worth it, my relationship ended and I moved back home. 
Within a few months I had met someone special who gave me a different outlook on life and I became much more positive, but it took a lot to truly say I had defeated my daemons. I still ended up hit rock bottom, overdosing twice and literally screaming for help because I didn't know how to fight the battles in my head anymore.

Never in my life had I been over 7 1/2 stone, I hated my body and I had zero confidence, but then I became pregnant with my son and something switched. I HAD to eat, I HAD to keep my little one healthy and I HAD to eat in order for him to grow. I reached 10 1/2 by the end of my pregnancy and it was the first time ever that I looked in the mirror and cried because I felt so comfortable in my own body,  for me that was when I knew it was over, the daemons had gone, I had finally won the battle I had been fighting for 10 years.

When you've been through an eating disorder, it's always with you but you learn how to deal with it and shut it down before it takes over again. I have now grown a fear of losing weight, if I go below 7 1/2 I panic and it brings back a lot of bad memories, so I use a calorie counting app DON'T WORRY not to have control, but to make sure I'm keeping above my daily average so that I can keep gaining weight and reach my goal of 8 1/2 stone. However, the one thing I have learn't over the years is you should love your body no matter what, curvy, big, thin, small there are so many types of beautiful in the world. I now try to keep fit doing yoga and I control all negative thoughts with meditation. You should never use an eating disorder to control how you're feeling or to change your appearance, it's so unhealthy and can be life threatening, if you're having negative thoughts, speak up.

I currently read a lot of self motivation books and I can truthfully say 'The Secret' changed my life, I apply it to my life every day now and the difference it has made is incredible. 

I'm thankful to say food is such a huge part of my life now, I love it and I've even made a hobby out of learning to cook and bake which looking back 10 years I never thought I would say, I'm thankful that I had amazing support through-out the years, Including long stretches of therapy because without it I don't think I would be here.


The best thing I did was talk about it, whether it was to family, friends or a complete stranger, don't go through it alone.

Don't compare your appearance to those around you, or to what a stereotypical 'perfect body' is, there is no perfect and we are all unique in our own ways.
Believe in yourself, even in your darkest hours, and find another distraction. Music was a saviour for me because it was an easier way to channel all my negative energy out of my body, and to this day it's still a massive coping mechanism for me. I also write, blogging got me through some dark times and venting it through a diary whether it's paper or on your computer can really help.
Wreck This Journal is an amazing book that really helps to tests your barriers and bring you out of your comfort zone, I really enjoyed creating mine and I have just started a bullet journal which I'm super excited to share with you all!

There are endless amounts of different ways to keep you feeling positive and distracted, you've just got to ask for the help when you can feel yourself sinking. 

I'm not ashamed of my body anymore, I'm proud of it and I want you to be too.

No comments:

Post a comment